knuckles' livejournal

[Lastest Constitutive Confessions] [Other Abject Subjects] [Object] [Intertextuality]

Wednesday, January 24th, 2001
4:49 pm
i'm in a really good mood right now. what a strangely fulfilling day. would post details, but it's all just the small things . . . getting along with people, praise from professors, sun, aretha franklin . . . y'know, the kind of stuff that makes life worth living.

now for the promised dorkiness. ;> two separate groups of lj friends started doing these at the same time, so i'm just gonna do both. that should show you just how big a dork i am.

FULL NAME: Laura Heather B.
SEX: yes please
LIVING ARRANGEMENT: five college students, two guinea pigs, one floor of an old victorian.
YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? egads . . . overload . . .
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? used to be cool chicks with bird heads, but that one died so now it's just plain blue. ::SIGH::
FAVORITE MAGAZINE: used to be the economist, but then i stopped being a pretentious polisci geek and started reading maxim and cosmo
FAVORITE SMELLS: gardenia candles, fresh lilies, food cooking, forests, fresh snow
FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK: don't really like soundtracks
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING? "how long can i afford to keep hitting snooze?"
DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS? yes, if i'm not driving
PEN OR PENCIL? pen -- pilot precise rollerball
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?: as few as possible, usually
FAVORITE FOODS?: sushi, grapefruit, watermelon, strawberries, broccoli, spinach, good bread, good bread toasted, good pasta, brie, mushrooms, fresh squeezed OJ, eggs, bacon, roast chicken, RED MEAT
LEAST FAVORITE FOODS?: tofu and anything else with a weird texture
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: my mom's ok but controlling and judgemental, my dad's a self-absorbed depressed deadbeat who i haven't seen in three years, my step-father's nice enough but he lives on a higher spiritual plane than the rest of humanity so the question's kind of irrelevant
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? swirl. wait, what are we talking about again?
FAVORITE ICE CREAM? ben & jerry's mint w/chocolate cookies
STORMS AWESOME OR SCARY: beautiful and comforting
WHAT TYPE OF CAR WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?: my stepfather's 1990 honda accord w/a stick shift and a sun roof. but the first car that was actually mine was/is a 1992 powder blue dodge grand caravan named big marie
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE?: i'm not really into celebrities . . . probably michel foucault, or maybe jesus -- just to see what all the hype is about ;>
FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: kamikaze on the rocks
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?: Pisces . . . or Capricorn in the adjusted zodiac
IF A GIRL/GUY ASKED FOR THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK, WOULD YOU GIVE IT: yes. i like to show off my titties. err, actually . . . uhm . . . i'm really generous. yeah, that's it. ;>
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: president of the united states.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?: abso-fuckin-lutely
WHAT'S ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?: dark maroon/blue/brown/gold tapestries, collage, overpriced but tasteful yuppie art objects, swiss army knives, books
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SNAPPLE?: used to be orangeade, but haven't had a snapple in years
IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?: what a ridiculous question. a HO(E) of course. ;>
WHY?: duh
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?: luggage, boots, a rug, a box of old photos & letters, probably a few socks
WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?: 1990 honda accord stick shift w/sunroof. i loved that car.
FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: basketball. ::hides head in shame:: second choice: varsity cheerleading ;>
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2001
9:54 pm
big shout-out to all my st a's peeps!

special thanks to sam and amanda. you guys rule. :)

and to scott, without whom i would undoubtably be a self-loathing puddle of anxiety with vitamin deficiencies and a head cold.

9:45 pm
so sleepy . . . what a useless, frustrating day.

coding until 6am, had nightmares, woken up by visitors at 2pm . . . meeting at 4, more frustration/drama, went to get my eyebrow pierced, got sick of waiting there after 45 minutes or so, bought groceries, came home, ate spaghetti, watched reruns of the facts of life.


classes start tomorrow. haven't done the readings for pembroke . . . maybe i'll get motivated soon, but i doubt it. 10am faculty seminar on "the question of emotion." how ironic.

i should really try to figure out where my classes are meeting. blah.

i should really empty my ashtray.

current mood: dull
12:41 am
coding web pages is good for not thinking. which seems to be the all-around best solution to my problems at this point.

go go gadget TA!! ;>
Monday, January 22nd, 2001
6:21 pm
i don't even feel like writing here, because there's nothing to say.

current mood: sad
Thursday, January 18th, 2001
5:48 pm
just did my laundry and had coffee with the ever-fabulous delree. reread a bunch of Bodies that Matter while my shirts were drying. i feel so productive! ;)

now, to write! ::hysterical hyena-like laughter::

current mood: motivated/insane
12:54 am
MTV, intertextuality as truth value and a kid dead of cancer at age 16
ok, i'm really disturbed . . .

i just took a smoke break from working on my thesis and watched a few minutes of Entertainment Tonight. so, aparently the "sick kid" from that MTV fake boy band thing 2*gether ACTUALLY HAD CANCER and he just DIED!! how disgusting is that?!?! i won't even begin to go into the levels upon levels of wrongness in that whole project, but this is absolutely beyond the pale.

ok, so i will go into it. ::chuckle::

first off, MTV made a show about the creation of a boy band. fine.
they created a fictional producer, a fictional distributor, a fictional history and fictional stardom. but what is stardom if not fictional? so is 2*gether more real or less real than the Backstreet Boys or N'Sync or whatever? is it all a meta construction? can anything exist as both text and metatext?

the whole thing was presented as a mockery of the boy band phenomenon. the characters/band members were these grotesquely exaggerated stereotypes, the songs they "wrote" and "performed" were deliberately and painfully ridiculous. yet MTV, with its incredibly fascinating technique of creating truth value through internal self-promotion and internal "intertextuality," treated 2*gether like any other boy band, to the point of playing their videos on Total Request Live, doing stories about them on MTV news and interviewing them both in and out of character, ignoring any apparent contradictions posed. They also made a regular weekly show about the band which was in this position somewhere between reality television and sit com. I find it absolutely fascinating and extremely disturbing that they managed to straddle and simultaneously erase the line between reality and fiction so completely and unresolvably.

but the fact that the character who supposedly had life-threatening cancer in the band actually had life-threatening cancer is just incredibly twisted and bizarre. it doesn't resolve any questions about the truth value of anything in the project, but it just takes the whole thing to an entirely different and more disturbing level.

the whole 2*gether thing is the strangest media production i've ever seen, hands down. i'm literally driving myself nuts going in circles trying to dissect and make sense of it.

luckily, i'm taking a class on stardom next semester . . . yay paper topic! ::grin::

anyway, i have to stop now and go back to my thesis . . . ::sigh::

any thoughts would be much appreciated. :)
Wednesday, January 17th, 2001
7:21 pm
i really need to do laundry, but i don't think i can waste two hours at the laundromat.

decisions, decisions . . .
Monday, January 15th, 2001
11:58 pm
anyone know of any:

a. good theory grad programs that aren't in california (other than the new shool -- i'm already on that ;)


b. entertaining and socially responsible jobs that pay well and aren't in california (political jobs preferred)


[random musings on my future . . . feel free to ignore]

the columbia telecom policy thing is probably going to fall through, so i'm kinda up shit's creek without a proverbial paddle. i don't want to go to grad school right away, but that might be the best choice at this point . . . at least i'd have health insurance. ::sigh:: i'm meeting with my public policy advisor on monday, so maybe the freedom of information job will work out . . . of course that means staying in providence until 2002. not that i don't love providence, and i was really into the idea of staying here a few months ago, but despite the fact that i would get to live with galen i don't know if i can put off real life for another two years. ::sigh:: my cool aunt darcy chewed me out for being "afraid of my life" and "decreasing my overall career potential." she may be abrasive at times, but i think she knows what she's talking about. besides, i'll have to do something really impressive in the next couple years if i want to get into a top ph.d or j.d program . . . good grades and good work just ain't enough these days. or so i'm told.

::sigh:: i'm too tired to get anywhere with this tonight. any advice or encouragement would be much appreciated. :)

current mood: searching
10:09 pm
more me! ;)
just bought a new crappy scanner to replace my old broken crappy scanner. here are some old pics i thought were kinda funny. ;)

me at age 15 -- the hippie years

me in my three piece suit from freshman year.

more suit action. :)
9:08 pm
where is everybody? i haven't gotten a single LJ email today. was rad to talk to hubcapriotriot, my new pal mandyorcat, and of course my darling baxter, but i crave more! LJ addicts unite! ;)

in other news, the thesis is flowing . . . flowing like molasses in february. what is wrong with me? why can't i fucking write?! why did i think this was a good idea? why am i planning to put myself through ten+ more years of academia? i can't figure out whether it's simple ego, or whether i think i'm actually going to enjoy it and do well at it.

the worst part is knowing that i can do better. or, i suppose more accurately, that i can DO at all. ::sigh:: does anyone know where i can get some anti-procrastination drugs? ritalin? adderol? a swift kick in the ass?

current mood: frustrated
9:50 am

why am i awake? this sucks. i was all set to sleep past noon, but i just randomly woke up and can't get back to sleep. poop.

i had this really fragmented, convoluted dream last night where i was hanging out with J and my mom on new year's eve. in the end J and i went to her new apartment and i hung out with her fiance. he was this nice, normal, outdoorsy kind of guy . . . exactly the kind of person i could picture her being really happy with. we were all sitting down to have some dinner together and i was actually kind of feeling ok about things. then the dream just kind of stalled, like i couldn't imagine where it should/could go from there, and i woke up. but for some reason i feel very peaceful right now.

current mood: peaceful
Sunday, January 14th, 2001
10:23 pm
i love my housemates M & A. not only did they cook me a yummy steak for dinner, but they totally made my day with this little exchange.

M: would jesus think we're too rich to get into heaven?

A: yeah, because we have a tv and a playstation and jesus is probably mad because he didn't have playstation growing up.

M: but the graphics on earth are WAY better than the graphics on playstation!
6:52 pm
i just watched this terrible movie on showtime called "the price of kissing." there was one moment in it i kinda liked, though . . . something about how when people have sex they're always pushing, like they're trying to get somewhere. apparently you know you're in love when sex feels like floating and it's like you're just there, holding on.

[wow, that sounds a lot cheesier than i thought it would . . . but for some reason i still want to post it. ::shrug::]

anyway . . . i'm feeling a lot better today. i'm still sick as a dog, but i feel like a proverbial weight has been lifted off my shoulders. that phone call yesterday was exactly what i needed. thank you.

current mood: mellow
3:12 am
ok, now i'm obsessed . . .
more things you may not have known about me:

21. i have done two years worth of the wednesday new york times crossword puzzle -- i can pretty much always finish it, but it's just challenging enough to be entertaining

22. no matter how much theory i've done i still can't seem to figure out the value of the words ontology and teleology

23. i have a sign from a salad bar that says "grated egg" stuck to my computer monitor

24. i do not have and never have had a credit card

25. i play a 1972 gibson acoustic guitar

26. i have never read anything by Charles Dickens

27. i once almost ripped the top off a 9'6" u-haul truck by trying to drive under a 9'2" bridge

28. i've never puked from drinking

29. i went to a high school that didn't believe in grades

30. i would rather go to a glacier than a beach
2:02 am
twenty things you may not know about me
[mad props to katscan for starting this . . . maybe it'll catch on. ;)]

1. my birthday is on leapday

2. when i was 15 i got paid $90 an article to write for the Role Playing Gamers Association newsletter

3. i teach SAT prep classes

4. i own and love the Spice Girls' first album

5. i have a psychologically disturbed miniature poodle named Rocky

6. my mother is a psychoanalyst

7. my suit size is 44 extra short

8. an incomplete list of the embarrassing television shows i watch regularly: A Dating Story, Xena: Warrior Princess, M*A*S*H, Highlander, Quantum Leap, McGuyver, Star Trek (TNG and DS9), VIP, Antiques Roadshow, Jerry Spinger, anything on the Food Network and Home & Garden Television

9. i have seriously considered joining the SCA, and i own several period outfits and two swords

10. i had a nipple ring for over a year without my mother finding out about it

11. i'm considering going to law school

12. i'm considering going to culinary school

13. i am a member of a national co-ed literary fraternity, which i was the president of for a year

14. my first computer was a Commodore 64 with a cassette tape drive

15. i lost my virginity when i was 17

16. i wear glasses even though i have perfect vision because i think i look sexy in them

17. i cracked my nose on a concrete step at the Rhode Island School of Design, and i have a picture of some random guy eating a sandwich sitting on the stain from my blood

18. i sang opera in high school and almost made it to all-state choir

19. i don't own a watch

20. i have always wanted to be on Jeopardy!

current mood: entertained
Saturday, January 13th, 2001
10:04 pm
i finally unpacked from being away last weekend and found my digital camera. suddenly i was overcome by the urge to take pictures of myself. so here are some of them for your entertainment. :)

10:04 pm
::grumble:: iron chef is a rerun and i've already seen it.

current mood: annoyed
1:46 am
just saw "crouching tiger, hidden dragon." absolutely beautiful movie, too many fucking parallels with my life. or maybe i'm just seeing parallels everywhere at the moment.


current mood: tired
Friday, January 12th, 2001
5:50 pm
i'm sick. sore throat, stuffy nose, headache, the whole nine fucking yards. as if i wasn't cranky enough . . . now i can't even fucking smoke.

bah humbug!

current mood: pissed off