knuckles (knuckles) wrote,

self-indulgent musings -- feel free to disregard.

i'm so tired . . . i just want to crawl into bed, do a few wednesday crossword puzzles and sleep for a day and a half. and i haven't even done anything today. ::sigh::

maybe the excitement of the possibility of an impromptu visit from H (and M) wore me out. ::chuckle::

i feel cute in a drowsy, slept-with-product-in-my-hair kind of way. oh, the joy of sweater vests. when i pull one on i feel like i'm wearing self-esteem armor. they remind me of the broad-shouldered jerkins i always associate with adventurers in the pseudo-historical world of trashy fantasy novels and role-playing games. sometimes i still wish i'd gotten around to working at a renaissance faire.

i'm trying to write my "manifesto on love." it's coming slowly, but it's got me thinking about a lot of things. like how each person i've been with has a completely different conception of what love means, how it works, and how to deal with it. and how my own ideas about it shift with context.

god . . . my door's closed, i have music on, and i can STILL hear P singing some opera shit. now i've lost my train of thought . . .

oh yeah. love.

i'm thinking about how nice it is to have J post on here from time to time. how i missed having her in my life, or i guess how i miss her in my life in the present tense. and how i'd like to see if we can be friends . . . even though i don't think we can ever be that horrific phrase "just friends."

maybe one of the key elements of love is wanting the person you love to be happy. whatever that means for them, and however they pursue it. maybe i forgot that in my anger and sadness and frustration over our breakup. but i can honestly say now that i'm happy, because she's doing what feels right for her and i'm doing what feels right for me. and that's all people can do for each other, no matter what other stuff gets in the way.

i dunno . . . i really feel like i want to see her, and like i want to meet her fiance. i want to know what her life is like now and see whether we can be part of each others' lives as more than a kind of absent presence . . . or present absence.

it's odd. everyone said that things with J would come full-circle when i fell in love with someone else. not because my feelings for her would disappear, but because i'd be able to let those feelings evolve -- stop letting them lag months behind events. because i'm not good at being alone. i'm not good at thinking of myself first -- it seems like i always need another person to care about more than myself, or maybe i need someone to need me to care about myself. i need an object, i suppose. whether that person is there in my daily life or i haven't spoken to them in months. maybe i'm afraid that i wouldn't know what to do with myself otherwise.

in any case . . . falling for H has given me a lot of perspective on things with J. not just "getting over her" or whatever, but being able to see that i still want her in my life and being able to envision it.

hmm . . . so to go on about H. on the one hand i should probably be ranting and raving about the painful complexity of the situation and all of the things i want and how i wish it were all different, and at times i have been. but, really, i'm happy. she makes me happy. i don't need her to be mine, like a possession or a prize. i know that we can talk, see each other, be there for each other . . . and that's all it's really about anyway.

strangely enough, i feel better, "healthier," happier than i have in a long time. not just because it makes me feel good to love and be loved, but because i'm able to see what's important. because for the first time in a while i don't feel caught up in a maze of self-doubt and dissatisfaction and frustration. because i'm content to let her figure out what will make her happy, even if that means that we're not together.

so . . . yeah. i'm running out of steam, which i suppose is a good thing since this post is already MASSIVELY long. ::chuckle:: so up it goes, to perhaps be continued later. ;)
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