knuckles' livejournal

[Lastest Constitutive Confessions] [Other Abject Subjects] [Object] [Intertextuality]

Thursday, March 1st, 2001
2:47 pm
[eeep. forgot to actually post this one days ago. ah well ::chuckle::]

mmmm . . . dancing paul

it's my birthday, birthday birthday birthday! ;> (shoutout to J for that one . . . thanks for the birthday card. it made me smile. :)

i'm not doing anything for my birthday, but i guess i'm going to be having a lot of coffees/drinks/whatever with various people tonight. and my brother wants to take pictures of me "to document my happiness at this point in my life." what a sweetheart.

i really wish i didn't have to write two papers to write today . . . it would be kinda nice to go out and get smashed. not that i really ever drink anyway. ::chuckle::

worried about H . . . she had a horrible day in school. i wish they'd just cut her some fucking slack. she's been through some serious shit the last few months, between her home stuff, worrying about C, the car accident, a bad flu thing, etc. i wish i could just whisk her away.
Wednesday, February 28th, 2001
3:04 pm
just got a birthday e-card from my dad. what a weirdo. haven't had any contact with him for a year and haven't seen him in three and he sends me an e-card. and it's all because i'm an ungrateful bad child because i don't keep in touch with him. but apparently it wasn't worth his while to keep in touch with me when he moved away -- when i was 15 and i still worshipped him. when we played chess and scrabble and he taught me things and we sat out in the driveway at 2am to watch the lunar eclipse. when i would hold his hand walking through the mall or driving somwhere to get chinese food and talk about love. when he told me that love isn't the point of life, but it makes everything better. and i want to tell him that i still remember that and that he was so so right and that now i know what he meant. but how can you trust someone who says he loves you and then doesn't write or call for a year? who sends you a copy of Annie Leibovitz and Susan Sontag's Women because all he knows about you is that you're dating a girl, even if it is a beautiful gift? what matters more -- his presence, in the knowledge that he still loves me and thinks about me and wants a relationship with me, or his absence, the pain and betrayal of the last five and a half years, his inability to actually have that relationship? usually i value intent so much more than actions, but i just don't know if i have it in me to forgive.
Thursday, February 15th, 2001
1:49 am
a poem of sorts
so we had a fantastic reading at the house tonight . . . "Hallmark Poets Anonymous." all the bad love poetry we wrote in high school, and favorite bad love poems written by others. needless to say it was a blast and a half . . . i haven't laughed that much (or eaten that much chocolate) in a LONG time.

anyway . . . i couldn't find any really bad poetry that i wrote in high school . . . i honestly don't remember whether i burned it, lost it in the depths of notebooks or never wrote any at all. but i did find this, and i actually kinda liked it.

a brief disclaimer . . . i'm guessing that i wrote this right around when i was "coming out" or whatever . . . at least it was well before i had a good grasp on gender theory and gender politics. i.e. when heterosexuality = normativity = misery. ah well . . . it's kinda nice to know that i was young and unabashedly sophmoric once. ::chuckle::

also, this was all written as magnetic poetry. ;)

pounding her music hot delicate rain
day in and out
placing her boiling cry
in ever flying circles
singing moaning
believe in future brightness

angels say drunk on sausage juice and honey sleep milk
i dream of a wintery spring when lightly trudging
through a purple storm garden i find
an elaborately luscious girl sordid and spontaneous
beauty screams the part we don't recall
feel heavy sky flooded with rose mist

blue iron dress ugly after all
who put this ache in my bones

please rob
manly guardian
bigfoot shaman
never wanted more than
a miracle per night
TV and eats,
a good fuck after
and a blow at the boy's club
no mystery there
hit up a friend
for one last trip to the moon

rusted cars and overcooked meat
cold waxy eggs essential to
the discovery of the monster in your truth
the fringe of our good life
hidden spirit screams
swallow your soaring hopes

never are those things whispered
thick petal-soft and pendulous
languid murmurs and delicate screams
when drunk on shots of bitter juice
we speak of women

magic chills crush me
white heat flashes heaving
would you have me leave?
my bare feet arched to a rocky sea
my cropped legs probing cool black water
lathered with the sweat of a thousand summers

i wonder, what need of secrecy
stir life where you will
have faith

current mood: creative
Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
12:32 am
two unrelated things
1. (mostly of interest to people who know me in "real life")
my brother took the color test . . . he's green. :) i think this is so right on:

You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have
a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most
down-to-earth color in the spectrum reliable and trustworthy. People know
they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for
people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you,
success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status
or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is
your color!

::SMILE:: i love my brother . . .
(now i just need to find him a nice girl. ;)

2. T-minus two days 'til vacation. ::big grin::
And happy valentine's day to all!
Tuesday, February 13th, 2001
12:15 pm
i just got a letter from my grandparents about some inheritance thing. like a trust fund or something. i have to sign these papers.

and i almost have a resume.

when i finish these things, will i be an adult?
Sunday, February 11th, 2001
3:17 pm
this reading is taking longer than i thought it would . . . i think i'm gonna take a break to fold my laundry. anyone up for a quick game of AIM backgammon? ;)

current mood: productive
Saturday, February 10th, 2001
7:37 pm
heeheehee . . .

A and I both took the color test on emode, and it's so funny . . . well, i'll just tell you what we got.


You're blue � the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a
clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally
symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person
who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect
deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances.
Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally
attracted to you � they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and
collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before
coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is
patently blue � and patently you!


You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich
leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical
person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive
mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And
you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed
decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to
challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a
trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral
color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and
opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and
steady, you really are a brown at heart.

now, i kinda liked mine . . . but isn't brown a shitty color to be? it's like when you're in first grade and the teacher puts you in "unranked" groups, but the group names are Gold, Silver and Brown. i'm sure you'd all agree that you don't want to be in the brown group.

then we realized that i'm wearing blue and she's wearing brown, so we've decided that "our colors" are determined by tiny cameras in our computer screens. so she's changing into an orange shirt and trying it again.

current mood: entertained
6:39 pm
i'm fascinated by emode, both on a theoretical level and on a visceral "ooh, it's really neat that it's all about ME!" level. ::giggle::

so without further ado:

I'm a Snugglebunny!

When you're in love, the whole world knows it. The excitement of
romance shines from your eyes. After all, love is grand. And so is
intimacy, whispering sweet nothings, the occasional PDA, and the joy
of being cuddled up and cozy with your partner...

Yikes. Is that a sugar headache coming on? Nah � we're just jealous.
Fact is, you've got a leg up on most folks when it comes to welcoming
romance and nurturing its growth. Recognizing your gift for knowing
what you need to stay happy in love will guide you through uncertain
times. What more could anyone ask for?

Here's the catch: You might want to check in with yourself from time to time to make sure
you're not avoiding real intimacy or hiding behind romantic games. We know, we know.
It's more fun to just play. But keep in mind that true love is worth the work!

How you rate:
Intimacy: 7
Passion: 8
Committment: 8

well, i agree with all but the last paragraph . . . ::chuckle:: i mean, we all know there's no catch. ::evil grin::

current mood: amused
5:49 pm
hey you crazy kids. :)

anyone have thoughts about address and subjectivity in althusser?

this is gonna be a crazy week.

to do list (before thursday):

1. finish valentines. ::looks down in shame::
2. write discussion questions on althusser, beneviste and kristeva for feminist address seminar
3. go grocery shopping
4. do laundry
5. finish stats computer assignment
6. pick paper topic for theory of the sign
7. wallow in self-pity
8. write paper for theory of the sign
9. mess around with RI criminal court database
10. write up data assignment/paper for PP117 (TA job)
11. finish resume
12. apply for at least a few jobs
13. tear hair out
14. finish write-ups for explo courses (summer teaching job)
15. take car in for tune-up
16. go to municipal court to pay parking tickets
17. hem new pants (mmm . . . chocolate brown felty stuff . . . ::drool::)
18. sleep
19. at least think about position paper for ethics
20. clean apartment
21. reply to all the back comments on my journal
22. pay bills
23. email my mom
24. take pocket watch and swiss army knife in for cleaning and repairs

luckily for my sanity, when i finish this list of tasks i will be free and clear for a five-day vacation with H. talk about incentive. ::big silly grin:: sheer excitement and adrenaline should be more than enough to carry me through, although the waiting is its own special form of torture. ah well . . . what is it they say about anticipation again? ;>

i'm so blissfully happy right now, it's bizarre. i'm feeling super productive (for once,) and things with H are in a really good place. (see my last big post for details.) plus, as an added bonus, i just got my official yuppie certification -- a handspring visor. ::giggle:: now if livejournal would just put out a client for it . . . ::evil evil grin::

anyway . . . i'm gonna get some more work done, and will probably post more later.

ciao. ;)

ps -- the weather today was absolutely incredible. ::smile::

current mood: focused
Monday, February 5th, 2001
12:52 pm
i'm reading barbara johnson and it's snowing.

two hours until seminar. it's looking like this is gonna be a pretty decent day. :)
3:23 am
just took the butch/femme test.

like lorien, i am a pure androgyne, baby. ;>

and people used to try to tell me i was all butch and shit. ::giggle::


had a pretty kick-ass evening tonight. St. A's meeting was fun as usual, followed by a few hours on the phone with H while i made mushroom & asparagus risotto. (mmm mmm good. ;) and what sunday would be complete (at least in this house) without watching the new episode of queer as fuck . . . i mean, folk. it hurts so good . . . ::grin::

anyhoo. everyone wish me luck with the first real meeting of my grad seminar tomorrow. mmm . . . feminist address. hopefully i'll get most of the reading done in the morning so i don't make a complete fool of myself.

and on that note . . . "to sleep, perchance to dream." ;)

current mood: amused
Saturday, February 3rd, 2001
6:49 pm

i'm taking votes.

this evening, should i:

a. go shopping?
b. clean my room?
c. go to a movie?
d. do reading?
e. work on the valentines?
f. put together a resume and apply for jobs?


g. sit on my lazy ass?
Friday, February 2nd, 2001
6:00 pm
self-indulgent musings -- feel free to disregard.
i'm so tired . . . i just want to crawl into bed, do a few wednesday crossword puzzles and sleep for a day and a half. and i haven't even done anything today. ::sigh::

maybe the excitement of the possibility of an impromptu visit from H (and M) wore me out. ::chuckle::

i feel cute in a drowsy, slept-with-product-in-my-hair kind of way. oh, the joy of sweater vests. when i pull one on i feel like i'm wearing self-esteem armor. they remind me of the broad-shouldered jerkins i always associate with adventurers in the pseudo-historical world of trashy fantasy novels and role-playing games. sometimes i still wish i'd gotten around to working at a renaissance faire.

i'm trying to write my "manifesto on love." it's coming slowly, but it's got me thinking about a lot of things. like how each person i've been with has a completely different conception of what love means, how it works, and how to deal with it. and how my own ideas about it shift with context.

god . . . my door's closed, i have music on, and i can STILL hear P singing some opera shit. now i've lost my train of thought . . .

oh yeah. love.

i'm thinking about how nice it is to have J post on here from time to time. how i missed having her in my life, or i guess how i miss her in my life in the present tense. and how i'd like to see if we can be friends . . . even though i don't think we can ever be that horrific phrase "just friends."

maybe one of the key elements of love is wanting the person you love to be happy. whatever that means for them, and however they pursue it. maybe i forgot that in my anger and sadness and frustration over our breakup. but i can honestly say now that i'm happy, because she's doing what feels right for her and i'm doing what feels right for me. and that's all people can do for each other, no matter what other stuff gets in the way.

i dunno . . . i really feel like i want to see her, and like i want to meet her fiance. i want to know what her life is like now and see whether we can be part of each others' lives as more than a kind of absent presence . . . or present absence.

it's odd. everyone said that things with J would come full-circle when i fell in love with someone else. not because my feelings for her would disappear, but because i'd be able to let those feelings evolve -- stop letting them lag months behind events. because i'm not good at being alone. i'm not good at thinking of myself first -- it seems like i always need another person to care about more than myself, or maybe i need someone to need me to care about myself. i need an object, i suppose. whether that person is there in my daily life or i haven't spoken to them in months. maybe i'm afraid that i wouldn't know what to do with myself otherwise.

in any case . . . falling for H has given me a lot of perspective on things with J. not just "getting over her" or whatever, but being able to see that i still want her in my life and being able to envision it.

hmm . . . so to go on about H. on the one hand i should probably be ranting and raving about the painful complexity of the situation and all of the things i want and how i wish it were all different, and at times i have been. but, really, i'm happy. she makes me happy. i don't need her to be mine, like a possession or a prize. i know that we can talk, see each other, be there for each other . . . and that's all it's really about anyway.

strangely enough, i feel better, "healthier," happier than i have in a long time. not just because it makes me feel good to love and be loved, but because i'm able to see what's important. because for the first time in a while i don't feel caught up in a maze of self-doubt and dissatisfaction and frustration. because i'm content to let her figure out what will make her happy, even if that means that we're not together.

so . . . yeah. i'm running out of steam, which i suppose is a good thing since this post is already MASSIVELY long. ::chuckle:: so up it goes, to perhaps be continued later. ;)
1:44 pm
for bax
i promised to post at least one word before i go to class, so here goes . . .

oh wait, that's already like ten words! fifteen! i rule!


current mood: happy
Monday, January 29th, 2001
10:50 pm
i think everyone should listen to blue and then read the lyrics and then listen to it ten more times.

despite the fact that i usually don't go in for quotations, i'm considering posting the lyrics to "all i want" and "the last time i saw richard." so as a compromise i'm linking them instead. ;) enjoy, if you see fit.

current mood: mellow
Friday, January 26th, 2001
7:54 pm
6:45 pm
joni mitchell
i don't know why people think blue is a sad album. i mean, i guess it is, but it makes me happy . . .

current mood: contemplative
1:47 am
just got back from clubbin . . . what a scene!

drama 1: saw kat (incredibly naive but cute blonde chick w/very little in the personality department) there . . . she totally avoided me and left soon after i arrived. which i guess is understandable since my attempt at dating her fizzled and died in early december when i realized that she was completely unaware of the fact that kissing should ideally involve opening your mouth. but it made me feel kinda icky . . . i hate it when people i used to be friends/lovers/acquaintances with start avoiding me, no matter how valid the reason is. ::sigh::

drama 2: gay boys gay boys everywhere and not a drop for my babies to drink. ah well . . . they'll both find boyfriends before long, so i should be happy that they're all mine for a bit longer. ;)

drama 3: there was this really hot chick there (for once!) who looked WAY too much like my ex-gf J. i kept looking over at her and thinking about just going and talking to her or whatever, but then i realized that that would be really bad for me so i didn't. besides, she was like ten years older than me and was wearing one of those raver glow sticks right over the crotch of her jeans. creepy. besides, i have other things on my mind right now . . . ::sigh::

ANyway . . . that's the story of my evening. now, to bed.

current mood: beat
Thursday, January 25th, 2001
10:35 pm
check it out

Your Pok�name is:



You live in the steaming jungles of Cameroon, and your diet consists mostly of twigs, garbage and Dr. Pepper.


(Combat and Non-combat)

You can puke iron filings. You can breathe maple syrup. You have night vision. You have a covered wicker basket. You can shoot cosmic energy bolts.

8:44 pm
queer independent video
i feel like a bad person, but in general i just can't stand queer independent video. we were watching this horrible thing called "the look of love" in class today, and all that was going through my mind was "there's self-referentiality, and then there are pastels."

this queer cinema class is gonna bore the pants off me. not only have i already seen 2/3 of the screenings (when i came into class the prof asked me if i'd taken it before, i said no, then she asked if i was teaching it) but i can think of movies that would be SO much better . . . and i'm gonna have to end up talking about the revolutionary potential of indie video and i just can't get over the conviction that it can't change anything if no one sees it. i've come to the conclusion that i'm way too macro in my thinking sometimes . . . ::shrug::

but the point is . . . when did senior seminars become a walk in the park? and when did the MCM department start to go downhill? maybe i'm just an old foggie at 20. i think i need some new faces or something . . . ::sigh::

on a lighter note, i'm going dancing tonight at our friendly neighborhood queer club. i'll probably dance for like half an hour, drink some test tube shots, play pool and then dance for the last ten minutes before they close so my gay boys don't bitch me out for not dancing enough. as per usual. dancing is so much less fun when you don't have someone to dance with . . . which i guess makes sense since i'm really not into physical exertion when it doesn't involve sex. ::chuckle:: but kristina's coming, so at least i'll have someone to talk to while the boys dance themselves into a sweat-soaked frenzy. :)

anyway . . . i should eat something now so i don't get smashed later. yeah.